Golden Globes Can Suck It

So the the Hollywood Foreign Press Association has announced nominations for the 2010 Golden Globe Awards. Who the hell is that and why should you care? Well that is the Golden Globes, so no reason to care at all as far as I am concerned.

Now I could go on and on about why I think award shows like this are about as useless, lame, and shallow as it gets, but I would rather have this one told by the people who follow me.

On Twitter Follow The Reaper was as eloquent as always…

Now why does this explain my own thoughts so well? It is the exact problem! Unless you have no life, you shouldn’t care what awards these bimbos and douchbags win. The speeches they give are so trite you would think they just wrote one speech half a century ago. It’s like a computer program just fills in the blanks like it was a damn Mad Libs game. I’d rather watch my cat take a crap too. Out of all the replies I got, this one wins my award!

Lisa Yury is always short and sweet. “They’re always giving awards to those who don’t even really deserve it. LaMe!” Now I don’t know who won the awards, but when I read about it Monday morning I am pretty sure I will sigh in disappointment more than I am shocked at true talent getting their just rewards.

Now I’ve known Bert Webb for a couple decades now and he has always been an over the top kind of guy. So I’m not shocked at all that he was the only one (at the time of this post) that gave me a full top ten.
1. Commercials are better than the show 2. The only thing that wins I have never seen 3. Lady Ga Ga scares me 4. Who is Bradley Cooper 5. Rich people kissing 6. I have never actually known anyone that wears Versace 7. Screw Ricky Gervaise 8. Coldplay 9.Twilight 10. Kanye West

I despise commercials, so it means something when I say I agree with number 1. The movies that truly push the envelope will never win awards, so #2 is correct as well. If you are not scared by Lady Ga Ga you have some serious issues. Me and Bert have serious issues and that bitch still scares us! Turns out Bradley Cooper was Will Tippin in the TV series Alias. I haven’t really cared since then though and to be honest he wasn’t why anyone watched that show either. Nice enough guy I’m sure, but i still don’t care. Number 5 is an interesting one. I will assume it is about those pure Hollywood kisses they do on award shows where no real contact is done but they pretend to almost kiss each cheek. Lamest Hollywood cliche ever! if you have ever done this please save the world and kill yourself now. Same thing goes for anyone who wears Versace. Number 7 is the only one on Bert’s list that I come even close to not agreeing with. From what little I have seen of Ricky Gervais, he seems ok. Not sure he deserves to host the damn thing though. 8. Coldplay 9.Twilight 10. Kanye West? If you enjoy any of these things please kill yourself. Thank you.

I almost forgot about my friends on Plurk. Which would have been a sad thing since they are a pleasantly talkative bunch. Click here to join in on this great social network!

In short, these awards shows represent everything I hate about the entertainment industry. It is the worst of the worst. The most fake jerking off the most shallow. It’s time for the “cool” kids to heap praises on each other and we little people are supposed to feel uplifted by some strange form of osmosis. Screw the Golden Globes and screw you if you fell for their crap show. You are part of the problem so suck it!

As a geek I will admit that I love internet memes. I’m a huge fan of them myself. What I hate though is when people just beat them to death. It’s like re-animating a corpse just to kill it again. Let the dead rest in peace will ya?!

10. Pwnd
Sure this one works when it fits, but I find it is one of the most over used internet memes around. People use it for the tiniest little thing. “Oh you got pastrami when you wanted ham and cheese. Pwnd!” This is used by very insecure people that need any excuse to feel better about their pathetic little lives, but don’t have enough imagination to think of something original.

9. Fail
Seriously? Can you not even offer a full sentence? Everything I said about pwned can be also said about this one. It stinks of unimaginative loser. If all you can say is ‘Fail’ then you are a total failure when it comes to creating insults…you sorry excuse for your daddy’s man seed!

8. I can haz?
Ok, I will admit it. I find LOLcats to be as addictive as crack to a homeless bum, but enough with the “I can Haz…” crap. No you can’t have an original thought. That’s obvious you waste of space!

7. Rick Rolled
I’ve heard of beating a dead horse, but this has reached frightening levels. This horse was dead about a year ago. Can we please move on to something new?

6. Nom Nom Nom
Yeah I chuckled when I first saw the turtle too. But was it funny enough to be used every time someone posts what they are having for lunch on Twitter?

5. Any variation of 2 girls 1 cup
Try as I might, I was never able to watch that video for more than a few seconds. It was train wreck kind of funny for awhile, but there is so much more that can be done with poop jokes. It seems a waste to keep recycling this one.

4.Don’t Tase Me, Bro!
Like most of the items on this list, this was funny for a time. The guy who said it was an idiot. I get it. I’ve just heard it way too many times. I don’t care how funny a joke is. If you tell it enough, it gets as annoying as a Will Ferrel movie marathon.

3. O RLY?
Now you all know that I lean a little to the left, right? I understand why the spotted owl is important. That being said, this owl needs to be killed! I want to eat him on a burger cooked on a wood fire grill dripping with barbecue sauce. There are tons of things you can say without being another douchebag re-hashing this one stupid line. Seriously? Or how about ‘If you think that you ride the short bus’ or even ‘Don’t make me hit you’. All you have to do is think. I know that is asking a lot, but I know you can do it.

2. Chris Crocker references
“Leave ____ alone” has gotten really out of control. If you did a parody on this after the first month or two fine. Chris deserved to be made fun of. The problem is that people just don’t seem to know when the joke is well past it’s due date.

1. Susan Boyle
Come on people! You do know that footage was totally staged and edited to get the planned reaction, right? You were all punked and you continue to be punked. She wasn’t THAT great. If a hot chick had the same voice no one would have even noticed.

Now I want to make it clear that I spelled punked the way I did for a very good reason. This has nothing to do with any show Ashton Kutcher was part of and I have been saying that since the 80′s. So that is my list. Now please feel free to post insults about me below. Just please try to use some tiny amount of imagination.