Tech consultant for Olympia, Lacey, And Tumwater

Now this is an interesting topic. There are some that refuse to get the point because they know it makes their music collection look lame. At least that is what I am guessing. They try to split hairs on the subject to avoid the point. You ever hear of the saying “If the shoe fits, where it?” Well that is what I am trying to say here. It’s not my fault you like fake bands. It’s not my fault you are a shallow minded drone who gets their music info from places like Rolling Stones, Spin, Billboard, or MTV. It’s not my fault you shop at Hot Topics. I’m just the messenger.

They will try to debunk the concept of poser bands by giving weak examples. What about David Bowie? Was he a poser when he was acting like an alien? Well if you can’t tell the difference between David Bowie and someone who is a total fake then I don’t know what to tell you. Maybe you are a poser? What about The Monkees? Well they were not even a real band. They were the product of a tv show. The main focus was not the music. They were using music as a vessel to put on a comedy show.

No, what I am talking about are bands that put looking like a “rockstar” above writing good music. I am talking about the bands that put how they look in their press photo above how meaningful their lyrics are. I am talking about the bands that put celebrity above the art and craft of music. That is a poser. If you are in denial of that then you are a poser in denial. Sorry if that hurts your feelings, but it’s true. Rock n’ Roll ain’t supposed to be safe. It should never be pretty either. Real Rock N’ Roll (in it’s purest form) should be dirty, ugly, and mean. So enjoy your pretty boy rock and I will be listening to Motorhead!

Top Ten ways to tell if your favorite band are posers!

1. Have they ever consulted a fashion expert of any kind?

2. Would you picture them downing a shot of whiskey before a show or a good strong cup of tea?

3. If they saw a chipmunk in the middle of the road while cruising down the highway in their tour bus would they say…

a. Stop that matches my argyle sweater!
b. Floor it!

4. Do they have to steal from real musicians like Joe Satriani

5. Do they look clean cut?

6. Do they use more midi cables than guitars but yet are not in an industrial band

7. Have they ever been seen drunk, caught doing drugs, or done jail time?

8. Have they ever been arrested for fighting?

9. After a show do you think they eat meat and potatoes or a nice salad? Both?

10. Do they put style above substance?

Just for the record, I am NOT saying a band has to fit all of these. I am not saying that if the band fits any of these that they should be dismissed. My point is that if the more of these that fit, the better the chances that they are not down and dirty Rock N’ Roll.

I could name bands by name like Radiohead, Coldplay, Daft Punk, Oasis, or a few others, but I think I’ve pissed off enough people for today. Maybe for another top ten list some other time. Get your hate mail ready!

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Top Ten people & things that will die in 2009!

1. The RIAA.
They have been dying all through 2008 already so this may not be that big of a stretch. They have had major labels leave already too. Now very recently they have said they will stop suing individuals and start suing internet service providers. Small problem. Warner Bros is both a record company and an ISP. So will the WB pay the RIAA to sue them? I don’t think so. Things are falling apart faster than ever for this organization.

2. Yahoo!
If it doesn’t just totally fade to black it will be split off into so many pieces that it will be there in name only. Either that or it will be swallowed up in part or in whole by another bigger fish.

3. Steve Jobs
Can’t do MacWorld because of hypertension eh? Next year he won’t be able to do MacWorld because of a bad case of death. Sorry fanboys. Suck it!

4. Blue-Ray
No one cares! Unless you have the money for a really big screen and a sweet sound system, regular DVD is just as good. Since most people can’t afford a system that will get anything out of Blue-Ray, it’s a moot point. This along with everything going streaming, physical formats are going to follow soon after.

5. Amy Whinehouse
I’m shocked that crack whore made it to 2009. If she makes it to 2010 I will go live on Ustream singing show tunes by request on New Years day. Seriously. Feel free to call me on it.

6. Digg
Mixx has been catching up quick and niche social news sites will grow until they are the final nail in the coffin that is this waste of bytes. Kevin Rose will then drink himself to death when his “Dark Tipper” micro-brew is found to cause ‘shrinkage’.

7. Palm
Robert Scoble has been saying that Palm have recruited a ton of the people that made the iPhone so big. Several people are saying that this new phone is amazing. I say it doesn’t matter how great the phone is because some idiot made an exclusive deal with Sprint. That company is notorious for having the least reliable network. If you can’t get a signal, who cares how great the phone is?  All mobile phone companies are evil, but Sprint is the worst. Palm could have become huge again, but making a deal with Sprint will be the final nail in their coffin. Mark my words!

8. Pete Doherty
Just like with Amy, I’m very shocked this junkie has lived to see 2009. If he makes it to 2010 I will shave “B.S.” into my chest hairs in honor of his band Babyshambles.

9. Print Media
Ok, I’m sure that a few very niche publications will still be around, but every major magazine and every major newspaper will switch to an online focus before the end of the year. Do some research and you will find out that this is not much of a streatch. I’m not even close to being the only person with this prediction.

10. Santa
If that fat bastard doesn’t get me that camera lens and camera I want for Christmas this time I will hunt him down and gut him like Ted Nugent gone wild at a wildlife sanctuary!

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Top Ten ways to spot an internet noob!

When I started this list I wasn’t sure I could come up with a full top ten list. Five sure. Seven maybe. Ten? I thought it would be hard. Nope! In fact there was a few I had to remove from the list to make room for better ones I thought of.

Now if this is you, do not be offended. Ask me how to be a better net citizen. Or “netizen” as some might say. All of us were noobs once. Of course this doesn’t mean were are not rolling our eyes at you behind our monitor screen, laughing at your mistakes, or sending friends links to your material for reasons you never intended. Of course we will! We just won’t tell you that part. Reality sucks like that.

1. They still use MySpace as their main social network

2. They use a ton of the Facebook “aps”

3. They have a profile that uses dark backgrounds with dark text so you can’t read anything

4. Overuse of animated gifs

5. They still use Internet Explorer

6. If they EVER use all caps for more than one or maybe two words at a time.

7. They still try to “Rick Roll” people and think it’s funny.

8. On sites like Twitter or Plurk they reply with a full blog length response instead of keeping to the 140 character limit.

9. They do video blogs about what they had for breakfast and how their day went.

10. They are still on dial up.

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