Tech consultant for Olympia, Lacey, And Tumwater

Summer Sucks

I hate summer! No, I mean as in a passionate hatred. What really drives me nuts is you people endlessly talking about how great it is. I just don’t get it. What’s so freaking great about it? Make your own Top Ten List. This is mine. Suck it summer fans! I want my cold dry winter back! If it gets too cold you can put on an extra layer of clothing. If it gets too hot you can only strip so far before neighbors threaten to sue you for  the therapy bills they will incur after watching things jiggle that never should. Yeah, try to get rid of THAT image! HA! My revenge is complete!

Seriously, I’m not joking. I truly hate this time of year. If you agree please re-post on Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, Digg, Reddit, Mixxing Bowl, etc. Vote it up if you are on Stumble Upon as well. Thanks.

1. Sweating without even doing anything
2. Having to stare directly into the sun while driving.
3. Nats in your teeth while getting some exercise on the bike trails
4. Bee’s stinging you just for walking by
5. The bright glare off of just about everything
6. Annoying bitches declaring how great the warm weather is every two seconds. STFU already!
7. Everyone is just expected to think camping is the most awesome thing since tv, internet, a comfortable bed, or anything else you leave behind while camping.
8. Neighbors think it’s ok to blast their shitty rap crap loud enough that you have to shut all your doors and windows while they work outside on their cars that never run anyways.
9. Co-workers are always sick on Friday and Monday leaving you to pick up their slack, then ask you to donate sick leave when they get sick in the winter.
10. Fat chick in tube tops that say “Hottie” found outside of Wal-Mart

Top Ten Things Squarespace.com Really Needs

Squarespace

Let me be clear about this. I post this top ten list because I believe in the service and want it to improve.  Think of this as my Christmas Wish list more than anything. It is NOT meant to bash the company in any way! I subscribe to the biggest package they offer because their product solves some very important issues for me that no one else does. But despite the really great things they offer that keep me as a customer, there are a few things they need to do to keep their site growing beyond geeks like me that are willing to beat the living hell out of their CMS to make it work. Right now if you use Squarespace get your gloves on, because you will have to box with your website for awhile. These are the reasons why.

To check out Squarespace go to http://www.squarespace.com/ They are a great company. This is just my Christmas wish list. Santa? I don’t want coal again this year…please?

1. Phone Support
This is so damn important I cannot make a big enough deal about this. Charge a customer $50 for a month of phone support, but at least give the option!

2. Everything on the front page
So if you have several sections of the site, but want all those sections to have their new content featured on the front of the site you have two really lame options. One is to post it by hand as a blog. That’s right, you have to make a post to let people know you have a post within the same site. The other option is their “change tracker” that only give people an ugly plus sign next to each article instead of some cool thumbnail. Of course you could always just let one section be the front and let all of your other content be buried. So I guess there are 3 really lame options. They need an option to have the front page just flow with everything except forums.

3. Polls
They have all kinds of great features you can add with a simple click. Why not polls? It is a glaring hole in their arsenal of click to add features.

4. Modern forums
They have forums, but they will remind everyone of the early 90′s guestbooks. This is a hot new service and their forums look like something from two decades ago.

5. Rate This Post
Just like polls, I know this puts more pressure on the database, but this is the world we live in and they need to provide an option to allow readers to rate the article.

6. Android App
They have a really great iPhone app, but nothing for Android. With Android being the fastest growing smart phone operating system this is a major over sight. Are they iPhone fanboys who can’t see that their precious phone is not as hot as it once was? Have both guys. Don’t let your fanboy passion get in the way of business. You need to have both.

7. Email
How can they host a website but not host the email accounts connected to that website? Everyone from Go Daddy to Media Temple offer this. Out of all of the missing items this one confuses me the most.

8. Live Chat
Ok, I mean this in two ways. One, there should be a live chat room I can jump into for support. It would also be nice if one could have that as one of the website services we could add for our readers. I love my readers and I would love to chat with them when they are online at the same time I am. Mostly it would just be nice to enter into a chat with a tech support person. It would avoid a ton of the back and forth confusion I end up in with them through the nightmarish “support Ticket” system.

9. Instant Sponsor Button
Now they have a way to add a Squarespace button to your site, but they offer no reason why I would want to do that. What about some sort of affiliate program guys? Why not offer me “X” amount off my bill for each customer I bring you? This could save your higher traffic customers some money as well as quickly expand your business.

10. Less condescending attitude
Seriously. There have been many times when I tried to get the people to help me with something and got a “RTFM” attitude back. I have several times sent the url of the page I had a question about and had them send me back the same URL as the answer to my question. Pretty much saying, “What are you stupid that you can’t see the obvious answer here?” They have an amazing product so far, but the support is the worst of any service I have ever used.

Again, I love the product and this is not meant to bash Squarespace. This is more like a customer begging for a few improvements. As a customer I feel like they are the Squarespace gods on high looking down on us lowly customers. It shouldn’t be that way. As a customer I should feel a little bit better communication with them as a company. I feel like unless you are Leo Laporte there is no way to get an audience with them for anything. This attitude will destroy their company if they don’t take care of it soon. Programmers and developers should not be who gives support. I think this may be the problem. Programmers and developers do not speak human. They speak programmer. Can I get a human please?

Top Ten Most Over Used Words

1. Officially
People say some pretty stupid shit, but I just start twitching when I hear people say shit like “That is officially bullshit!” Really, where does one get the proper certification for such a thing? If there is no official certification then please shut your pie hole! There is nothing official about your opinion on anything.

2. FAIL
I know this one has been mentioned in other top ten style rants here, but it is officially retarded. I got the certification yesterday in the mail from a notary public in Bogota, Texas. Do people who say this realize that they fail in the English language every time they say this? Morons. Didn’t shortening things to sound cool go out of style about ten years ago? I think it did. Get with the times loser.

3. Literally
No dumb ass, you mean figuratively. Please look it up before you convince anyone else how often you sniff paint fumes as a past time.

4. Totally
That cup is totally half full!  Yes, I have heard people use this word when talking about a percentage. I blame inbreeding…and the show Glee, but isn’t that pretty much the same thing?

5. Brah
Ok, correct me if I am wrong but this is pronounced the same as a woman’s undergarment right? Ok, sure I have been known to hold a few boobies in my life, but if that makes you confuse me with a woman’s over the shoulder boulder holder I think I may need to punch you.

6. (I Know) Huh?
I have no problem with the “I know” part, but why the hell do you people add the huh and the question mark? It’s as if you are asking if the person agrees with you. Which is really retarded since this is always said as a replacement for “I totally agree!”  If the person says “Stupid people should be knocked upside the head for saying stupid shit.” and you reply with “I know huh?” you sound like a complete moron. Why are you asking the person who said something if they agree with what they just said and you are just agreeing with? The reason is simple. You must have been dropped on your head repeatedly when you were a baby. You should kill yourself. (feel free to say “I know huh?”)

7. Hero
Sorry to burst your bubble but an athlete is NOT a hero. A musician is NOT a hero. Unless Slash is rushing into a burning building to save children from certain death he is nothing more than an extremely talented guitarist and song writer. Legend sure. Idol ok. Rock god totally. Hero? Hell no!

8. Boo
No, not as in the exclamation used during the end of October. That is the proper use of the word and I have no problem at all with it. What I am talking about is when you call a girlfriend, boyfriend, or even celebrity your “boo”. You sound like an idiot.

9. Baby Daddy
This one pisses me off more than “boo” because instead of saying boyfriend brainless bimbos will call the guy their “baby daddy”. What about “My child’s father” instead? Or do you like it when people question your intelligence? Saying these things also let’s guys know you might be stupid enough to use and throw away like the bimbo you probably are.  Have some respect for yourself and stop talking like a moron!

10. Extreme
Everything is extreme. I’ve seen people try and sell poetry readings as extreme! Even Sunday school is now “to the extreme!” How about this. If it is not as far from average as you can get it is not extreme. When you use extreme to hype up something that is just a few steps from average you sound as retarded as a local news reporter calling Korn a Death Metal band.

Top Three Tech Terms The Music Industry Gets Wrong

BadMusic

So I have to confess something. I worked on this post for months. In fact most of the posts I put on this site are things that I have been working on for months. That is why I find it so frustrating when someone gets offended because they think the post is something that they JUST posted to Facebook or Twitter.  However you can also think of it this way. What was getting under my skin several months ago is still current. It is still being done!  That just proves how out of control the problem I am talking about is. So this was originally supposed to be a “Top Ten List” because people eat that stuff up. Everyone loves top ten lists. So I tried as hard as I could to come up with ten. I just couldn’t. Shocking as it seems there is only three basic terms the music industry (or at least my contacts) get wrong on a regular basis. The problem is that they get them wrong so often and so badly that it seems that there are hundreds of things they are embarrassing themselves with.   Now keep in mind that these are not all the things they mess up on when technology is concerned. This is only the terms they use incorrectly.

1. Viral
What is the root word here people? It comes from the word virus. Way too often a press agent will send out a press release of the band’s “viral video”. Meaning that any video online used to market the band is viral. WRONG! The video might “Go Viral”, but you can’t announce that right out the gate. That’s like having a Mission Accomplished banner behind a president years before anything was accomplished. When it spreads like a virus and has had millions of views, then it has “gone viral”. You look like some old grandpa that doesn’t get the inner webs when you say other wise.

2. Download/Stream
If the band has a new song up on MySpace it is not “up for download”. Instead say “Streaming now for free at their MySpace!” A download means the fans can end up with an MP3 they can play when offline. Try not to confuse the two so often. It makes you sound like an idiot.

3. Leaked
As in “The Fartknockers just leaked their latest single. If it comes from an official source it is not a leak. The label cannot leak something. Someone at the label can leak it without permission, but those people get fired don’t they?

My Top Ten Favorite Android Apps

Android Apps

I am noticing that people are picking up Droid phones like crazy recently. Maybe it is because of the holidays or maybe it is because of Droid users like me that can’t stop praising the phones. I am pretty sure that many will get Droid phones for Christmas as well. Either way I am getting lots of questions about what the best apps are to download for the regular user. I really don’t care about the ultra-tech users. They have proven to me time and time again that they don’t have a clue what the average user wants or needs. When I was telling them that people wanted bigger phones, all they could say was that bigger phones would be like carrying around a brick. Brick this, brick that, but how do we watch all this great media that is getting shoved in our faces? Well, notice how much bigger screens have got over the past couple of years? Now there is already talk about devices that are somewhere between a phone and a “pad” type device. Meaning a phone with a screen twice the size of a Droid 2 or your standard iPhone device! So ignore the stuck up technorati. They don’t know their head from their ass and are nothing more than a useless echo chamber most of the time. This top ten list is for the everyday mobile phone user. If this helps you please send it to a friend. I have no ads and my only payment is watching my stats go up if you people like what I write.

10. Twitter Official App
This app would rate way higher if they got rid of the location crap. Or at least made it less annoying for those that don’t want that feature.

9. TasKiller
It’s a red icon. I tried the Green icon version once before and it just didn’t work very well. This red guy however works great. I read somewhere that the green one is called “Advanced Task Killer” and this one is called “TasKiller”. I hope that helps you find the right one.

8. Last.fm
I know that Pandora is more popular in the United States. Maybe it’s better, maybe not, but Last.fm works for me and I love it. So I never gave Pandora a chance to be honest. If you are a fan of music, no matter the style, you must try one of these services. Unlike traditional radio type services it learns. The more you play with it, the better it gets at guessing what you like. Even someone as picky about music as I am finds it great. This thing can even tell the difference between true thrash and modern thrash (which is just death metal with slower riffs). I don’t know of even too many Thrash fans that can tell the difference anymore, but this thing can!

7. Angry Birds
Some may find it shocking that this one is so low on my top ten list, but honestly I think it is a bit over hyped. It’s fun, but after a few fun levels it turns into something for hardcore gamers only. Some levels take me days to get past and that is just plain boring watching the same screen over and over again.

6. Facebook Official App
It is a little buggy at times and will only let you go back so far, but other than that I have had no problems.

5. AK Notepad
Just like with the windows desktop verion of Notepad, what I like about this is that it has pretty much zero features. It’s just a place to spew notes. It works so well I am using it to write an entire book. It’s a fiction novel. I write it when I’m on the toilet. Seriously.

4. Softick Freecell
Just a stupid card game, but I like it. There are some annoying ones I tried before I found this one so be careful.

3. Paper Toss
Just like with Angry Birds this is a stupid game that takes no thought. Great mindless fun.

2. iMobsters
I know what you are thinking. “I thought Mark hated games like this?” Wong. I love games like this. I just didn’t want it on my Facebook. That along with Zynga (the company behind the most popular Facebook based social games) being caught in so many scams makes me stay clear of anything they touch. Now the iMobsters app for Android has had many problems. For months after it was released you couldn’t even get past the log in screen to register or play at all. Then Android users got the snot beat out of them because of buggy behavior and slower response times compared to iPhone users. All these problems seem to be fixed now though and the game is fun. If you have tried the game before on Android and got pissed off and removed it, give it another try.

1. The Official Google Reader App
I have tried them all. Even the much praised “News Rob” version and they all failed miserably in my opinion. Then came the official Google Reader app and all was right with the world. This is now my favorite app of all time. It is the most intuitive app I have seen so far. There was no learning curve at all. I knew how to use it without reading any directions or fighting through any frustrations. I just knew how to operate it right from the second it was installed. It’s just that damn good.

Top Ten Things I want For Christmas

Christmas Immortal

So my wife has given me a few hints that I need to update my Christmas wish list. So here it is people. This is the top ten items I want to feature, but if you want to see my full on Amazon wish list just go HERE. If you want to see my Think Geek Wish list just go HERE. Or you can just grab something from this top ten list. Check with my wife Sherri if you want to make sure no one else has purchased something from this list.

For those that are brave enough to go off the list, here is the top ten list of things to avoid. 1. Anything with Will Ferrel, Tom Hanks, or any “rap” guy trying to act. 2. Anything connected to a reality show of any kind. 3. Zombies are for mainstream twits 4. I own a Droid 2 NOT an iPhone 5. My shirt size is 4X. 3X if I have to, but anything smaller exposes things no one wants to see. 6. My personal tastes and RMM do not always match. I prefer classic rock (think more KZOK and less KGRG if you are local) and traditional Metal. Modern Metal both sucks and blows. 7. I get more music than I have time to listen to, so if it is a new release I probably have already been sent it. 8. Ask Sherri before you buy a DVD. Sherri knows all, sees all. 9. I’m not cool or “hip” so don’t get me anything cool or “hip”. I hate cool people. They suck. 10.  No milk products and nothing spicy hot. It will make me sick. Seriously.

And now for the list…

1. Browncoats Redemption DVD

2. Record Company Directory 2010 Edition

3. Sandisk 8GB CF memory card (MUST BE 60MB/s)

4. Bazinga shirt XXXXL

5. Night Vision Still Camera (for the club El Corazone because it is darker than a broom closet)

6. Helmet Cam (in case I get hit by another car I will have video proof!)

7. Bike Computer ($12)

8. Bike rear light ($8)

9. Canon G12 Camera

10. Philips Norelco 7310XL Men’s Shaving System

Top Ten Reasons Wine Sucks

USB Wine

I’m a beer drinker. In fact I am a beer snob. I love beer, but I insist on really good beer. I refuse any variation of Miller, Budwiser, Michelob, etc. The cheapest I go is maybe a Henry Weinhard’s, but I don’t think I have had one of those in ten years. So these are the things that turn me off to wine. For the record, this is a post done more as a joke to all my wine drinking friends than a hatred thing.

Now if you have any wine’s you think would win me over, feel free to list them in the comments. Keep in mind that I like beer. So super sweet doesn’t pass muster. A sour bite doesn’t pass either. It’s the juice concentrate taste I don’t like. So if you think there is a wine I have not tried I am open minded to it. I just think they all taste like bad Grape Juice. I grew out of grape juice about 20 years ago, so I’m not interested.

I also think the hangovers from wine are the worst. If I have to have a hangover, I prefer the ones that good beer or top shelf hard grain alcohol gives. But since I don’t over drink anymore this is a very minor complaint and why it didn’t make the top ten below.

1. Sticking your nose into the glass
Wine smells like grape juice gone bad. So why stick your nose so far into the glass. Maybe a few nose goblins will make it not taste like ass?

2. The swirl
You never see someone doing that to a good beer. Beer comes pre-mixed because it is a better drink. Hell, even James Bond wants his drink “Shaken not stirred.”

3. All the talk about the air and the fragrance
Unless you like the smell of a homeless midget’s taint I don’t get why you people get so excited about that smell. It’s not a damn air freshener. It’s a beverage. Drink it already and STFU!

4. The explanations of the smells
Have you ever really listened to someone trying to explain a “good wine? Does anyone ever sound more full of crap? Does anyone sound like more of a douche?

5. The spitting.
Hey, if I put something in my mouth that tasted that nasty, I’d want to spit it out too!

6. The Attitude
One of the most annoying things about wine is the attitude that wine drinkers are somehow the highest element of society. I’ve never understood that since it tastes like the cheapest way to get drunk available. I’ve always thought of wine as “The Emperors New Beverage”. Meaning that it tastes like crap, but people have been fooled into thinking it makes them smarter if they are seen drinking it. The emperor is naked and wine tastes like crap. You are a retard. So please get on the short bus so we can drive it off a cliff.

7. Children’s Cough Syrup
So many wine’s taste like children’s cough syrup. How can you act so snobby and talk for hours about something that tastes like children’s cough syrup?

8. Jolly Rancher anyone?
Not all wines taste the same. So to pigeon hole all of them as tasting like children’s cough syrup would be unfair. Some of them taste like a Jolly Rancher. Again I wonder why there is such an elitism that goes with wine.

9.The Price
Even the wine drinkers I know find this a little disturbing. Some of them have the money for the really expensive wines and have had them, but find the $10 wines to taste better. So is this another example of “The Emperor’s New Clothes?” Do people talk up the more expensive wines just to make themselves feel and look important to other douche bag wine snobs? Damn you people are pathetic.

10. The descriptions
Ever listen to wine drinkers describe what they are drinking? Am I the only one who just wants to punch them in the face?  There is nothing more annoying than listening to douche bags talk about wine.

Things I’d like to see from Google’s URL shortener

Google Overlords

Not long ago I made a post about the top ten reasons I liked this service, so consider this as my follow up. To see that article CLICK HERE. Ever since Google launched their own URL shotener I have been pretty loyal to it. But there are a few things that it is missing to really squash the competition and not let this become another Google Wave.  Some of these are very serious, some of them are pipe dreams, and one is just me being a smart ass. You guess which is which.

1. A Search
Let me search for a url I’ve already shortened in case I need to use it again.

2. Public Stats
Let me post my stats on my site in case I want to brag.

3. Custom URL
This is the one thing all their competitors have and they don’t. Let me make up my own shortened URL ending.

4. Deep Analytics
With a click of a button I should be able to see the top links within the month, week, day, or hour. I should be able to see what source gave me the most traffic as well.

5. Some Google Live Love
Imagine if there was integration with Google’s live search results. It would be nice if we could see a live feed of when our shortned url’s were sent out on services like Twitter as they do with regular Google search.

6. Per Website Separation
So currently everything is in one big messy bucket of puke. It would be nice if it could be separated by the website. Otherwise any analytics are pretty much useless.

7. Share
Just like I can share a Google Doc or Google analytics I would like to share the Google url shortener accounts, especially if they can be specific to one website.

8.  Share Widget
Give me some code I can put onto every page of my site (side menu or footer) that gives people the shortned url they can use to share the article.

9.  Make It A Game
Everything on the web is a game now it seems, so why shouldn’t a URL shortening service? Imagine having a chart on the side of your site that shows who has spread around your shortened urls?

10. Breakfast
Yes, Google. I would like my eggs over easy, my toast dark brown (but not burnt), my juice freshly squeezed, and a slice of ham on the side. Thanks. I figure Google seems to be able to pull off everything else so why not my damn breakfast? Come on Google, get on it!

Top Ten Reasons Google Is The Instant King Of The URL Shortners

Goo.gl

1. QR codes
The whole QR thing is exploding like crazy. To be honest I’m not even sure why an article needs a QR code, but they give you one for everything you submit.

2. Google Rank
I don’t know if it actually counts to your Google rank, but it can’t hurt.

3. Analytics
Yeah I know the others give this too, but this is Google so it will be of course end up linked in with everything else. When it’s linked in with everything else Google offers it will be analytics on a big bag of crack!

4. Brand Recognition
The problem with URL shortners is that most people still feel unsure about them. Spammers and virus makers use them to hide their suspicious links. People (The non tech savvy) will feel more comfortable with the name of Google than anyone else.

5. All Our Bass Belong To Them
Google is the king and trying to go against them is just suicide

6. Tools, Widgets, And API
Google has been known to make things open source, give the most powerful API’s, and offer the greatest tools. It is why they are king. This will evolve to be one massive beast.

7. Security
A few years back Google started giving alerts to websites that are not safe. I’m pretty confident this level of security will be a major part of this service as well.

8. You Are Already Logged In
If you run a website (or two, three, four), chances are pretty big that you already are logged into the Google system. No need to remember what your username is for that other service.

9. Longevity
The biggest problem with URL shortners is that they are start ups that may go under once the initial funding runs out. Google will be around much longer than any of them. The chances of them going away are smaller than with anyone else. So your links won’t stop working or be taken over by some spammer.

10. Trust
I don’t see Google adding advertising frames around my content anytime soon like some others have done in the past. I can trust them from the webmaster point of view.

Many of Google’s projects a full of all kinds of fail. But notice recently how that is becoming the outcome less and less? Android is kicking butt, Google voice is doing great, and this has the other URL shortners running scared for a good reason too. Has Google become too powerful? Well I for one love our new leaders and will obey them without question. All hail the great and powerful Oz…er, I mean Google.

Why Justin Bieber will die in 2011

Justin Bieber

Ok, maybe not him, but at least his career. Not sure if he will be caught in a compromising position with a bear, start doing drugs, or just snap at some lame wannabe blogger for a stupid and overly sensational headline, but mark my words it will happen! Yeah, I know we all hate the poor kid. He is annoying as hell and we wish he would just go away.

Well folks I predict that things will fall apart for him before his next album is even released. Why you ask? Well here are my top ten reasons. If you think he will fall apart, wish he would fall apart, or just want his other fans of his to send me hate mail too, please send this link to a friend, post the link on Facebook, send the link to everyone on Twitter, and submit it to sites like Digg, Mixx, Reddit, and others.

10. Perez Hilton claims he’s best buds

9. Even Daniel Radcliffe Thought Justin Bieber Was A Woman!

8. He was Found To Be Cleverly Disguised 51-Year-Old Pedophile!

7. Most people can take on several clones of him at once in a fight.

6. He looks like a lesbian

5. He makes $200,000 a night and that much money at that age makes for really bad decisions.

4. South Park Season 12 Episode 2

3. I hear he already has syphilis

2. Puberty

1. His hamster died a very mysterious death

Ok, most of those are not true (did you check the links I provided), but it does show one thing. A great majority of the population can’t stop ripping this kid to shreds. It is far worse than anything Britney Spears, Miley Cyrus, The Jonas Brothers, or even the youngest Hanson kid got. When he does in fact come out of the closet he will be found with an insane amount of heroin, his much older boy friend, and who knows what else. When it happens it’s going to make Leif Garrett look like Dr. Drew in comparison! Honestly I feel sorry for the kid.