Top Ten Reasons Wine Sucks
I’m a beer drinker. In fact I am a beer snob. I love beer, but I insist on really good beer. I refuse any variation of Miller, Budwiser, Michelob, etc. The cheapest I go is maybe a Henry Weinhard’s, but I don’t think I have had one of those in ten years. So these are the things that turn me off to wine. For the record, this is a post done more as a joke to all my wine drinking friends than a hatred thing.
Now if you have any wine’s you think would win me over, feel free to list them in the comments. Keep in mind that I like beer. So super sweet doesn’t pass muster. A sour bite doesn’t pass either. It’s the juice concentrate taste I don’t like. So if you think there is a wine I have not tried I am open minded to it. I just think they all taste like bad Grape Juice. I grew out of grape juice about 20 years ago, so I’m not interested.
I also think the hangovers from wine are the worst. If I have to have a hangover, I prefer the ones that good beer or top shelf hard grain alcohol gives. But since I don’t over drink anymore this is a very minor complaint and why it didn’t make the top ten below.
1. Sticking your nose into the glass
Wine smells like grape juice gone bad. So why stick your nose so far into the glass. Maybe a few nose goblins will make it not taste like ass?
2. The swirl
You never see someone doing that to a good beer. Beer comes pre-mixed because it is a better drink. Hell, even James Bond wants his drink “Shaken not stirred.”
3. All the talk about the air and the fragrance
Unless you like the smell of a homeless midget’s taint I don’t get why you people get so excited about that smell. It’s not a damn air freshener. It’s a beverage. Drink it already and STFU!
4. The explanations of the smells
Have you ever really listened to someone trying to explain a “good wine? Does anyone ever sound more full of crap? Does anyone sound like more of a douche?
5. The spitting.
Hey, if I put something in my mouth that tasted that nasty, I’d want to spit it out too!
6. The Attitude
One of the most annoying things about wine is the attitude that wine drinkers are somehow the highest element of society. I’ve never understood that since it tastes like the cheapest way to get drunk available. I’ve always thought of wine as “The Emperors New Beverage”. Meaning that it tastes like crap, but people have been fooled into thinking it makes them smarter if they are seen drinking it. The emperor is naked and wine tastes like crap. You are a retard. So please get on the short bus so we can drive it off a cliff.
7. Children’s Cough Syrup
So many wine’s taste like children’s cough syrup. How can you act so snobby and talk for hours about something that tastes like children’s cough syrup?
8. Jolly Rancher anyone?
Not all wines taste the same. So to pigeon hole all of them as tasting like children’s cough syrup would be unfair. Some of them taste like a Jolly Rancher. Again I wonder why there is such an elitism that goes with wine.
Even the wine drinkers I know find this a little disturbing. Some of them have the money for the really expensive wines and have had them, but find the $10 wines to taste better. So is this another example of “The Emperor’s New Clothes?” Do people talk up the more expensive wines just to make themselves feel and look important to other douche bag wine snobs? Damn you people are pathetic.
10. The descriptions
Ever listen to wine drinkers describe what they are drinking? Am I the only one who just wants to punch them in the face? There is nothing more annoying than listening to douche bags talk about wine.